Gar Demo

This is my perspective. I do not speak for everyone in the field. I speak for myself. I speak on behalf of other professionals I have directly spoken to and what they see. I speak on behalf of the families who provide for other members who need support for one reason or another. To love someone unconditionally is to love, simply put, with no strings attached. To love without condition. I love you. Not, “I love you if…” or “I love you when…” but simply, “I love you because you exist, because you are you.” So many people who provide some degree of caretaking and caring for others, function from this locus.

Caretakers. The ones who are in the homes, every day, with the people they are caring for.  These are the parents, grandparents, siblings, guardians of an individual who need caring for. For some, this is a small two-year-old who is becoming who they are, finding their voice, and taking the world in, learning an amazing number of things. They feel so much and may not quite have the vocabulary or self-control yet to express it. For other’s this is a teenager who is trying to navigate their next steps in life, going through hormonal changes, and being exposed to a number of things in the world that we were not exposed to in the same manner. For some this might mean caring for an aging parent who perhaps needs physical assistance and maybe experiencing decline in cognitive functioning. And then there are others, who are helping a loved one (young or old) who is developmentally delayed, sensory sensitive, neurodivergent, experiencing a number of mental or behavioral health issues, or perhaps a culmination of these things. Many times, when families come through my doors, they are tired, sometimes distressed, and even experiencing what we refer to as “caregiver burnout,” which is a state of physical, emotional, and/or mental exhaustion. Any level of caregiving is taxing. But when an individual is caring long-term for someone with long-term disabilities, this can oftentimes result in “caregiver burnout.” Sometimes, caregiver’s have supports (a significant other, relative, or support worker) who can assist them and give them respite in order to care for themselves. Other times, individuals may be caretaking solely by themselves. This may occur when family does not live close, when the person who needs caretaking needs are so great and the caretaker does not want to burden others, and at times this is due lack of insurance coverage for adequate supports for the individual or due to lack of insurance entirely.

Now, I challenge you to take a moment to think about what the last point might be like. Imagine needing to limit what outings you do because your loved one cannot tolerate noise or perhaps doesn’t understand safety and cannot be in places where they have access to frequently opening and closing doors. Imagine having a child, who is 14 and looks 14, but when they become upset, they cognitively process and behave closer to what a two-year-old would. Imagine having people confront you to “manage your child” or worry that people are thinking that when they stare at you when they are struggling to cope at a store that has become very overstimulating because it is so loud and there is so much motion happening. And then imagine that this occurs every day, to some degree. To love without condition.  To want to protect your loved one by decreasing the negative experiences and limiting what sorts of activities they do. And perhaps preserving their own mental wellbeing, as a caretaker, by avoiding certain activities so they don’t have to manage a behavior, that at times, may last for hours and even days.

I challenge you to walk in kindness. Speak kindly to those you cross paths with. When you see a caregiver who has an upset child or young person, remind yourself that perhaps they are going through more than you can visually see. When you see a parent being patient or working through a behavior, tell them they are doing a great job. If you have the chance to advocate for better supports and coverage by insurance, do so. If you are the friend of a caretaker and you can offer to help, even to allow that person a 5-minute break, do so. Most importantly, remember that we are all human. We all have our limits. But to walk in kindness, means to walk in love. And while caretaker’s love unconditionally, they too, need to understand that they are loved, without condition.

Kari A. Wold, MA, LMLP

So far most of my life I have been a caretaker in various short spurts of time, such as when my Mother recovered from surgery to her lungs, or my Dad needed a ride home and a short visit to recover from carpal tunnel surgery.  These caretaking roles were for relatively short periods, and now almost seem like wistful moments in time.  My perspective certainly wasn’t a feeling for the gravity of the situation in the case of my Mother’s recuperation, having had cancer removed from her lungs just before the birth of my child, when I was 35 years old.  In those situations, I had a young person’s certainty that everything would be just fine for my patient.  But caretaking for a child?  Wow, I had no idea what it would be like.

Sophia is our teenager now.  My wife Jill and I couldn’t help but decide to include another teenager, 16-year-old Jette from Germany who is in a student exchange program.  We have two 16-year-olds in our house!  Oh the talking back, oh the running late, oh the procrastination!  Like many of you,  being a caretaker of teenagers is completely new for us.  On one side you see them interacting with their friends, sometimes they engage in role-playing just as they did when they were small children.  Then there are other times when they want to ride in the car with their friends who drive.  As parents we are constantly challenged to rely on, what we hope is, sufficient, God-Centered parenting. 

We know that Sophia and Jette must rely on their own wits when they go out to the mall, or a restaurant or to the nearby convenience store with no adults present.  It is their prayers we hope come to mind that we teach them:  “Lord God, thank you for taking care of us, we pray for discernment in our lives and good health for our family and for those around us…” Taking care of teenagers in this era of heightened human trafficking, and acceptance of drug use, can be heart-wrenching.

We should take a little time to praise our children for the good decisions they make.  Sophia was working the drive-thru window when someone came through and made inappropriate statements.  Or the time she and her friends were followed from the parking lot of a restaurant to a gas station nearby.  In both instances, Sophia listened to her gut and responded very well.  We believe and trust that Sophia prays, especially for discernment that we feel served her through both of those scary situations.  Now maybe we should teach her the song and subsequent verses “Create in me a clean heart…” Psalm 51:10, which we hope can translate to cleaning her room.

“There are only four types of people in the world:

Those who have been caregivers.

Those who are currently caregivers.

Those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregiving.”  Rosalyn Carter

As this quote suggests, all of us will be in the role of providing care to another person at some time in our lives. Caregiving can be an emotional rollercoaster. Caring for a family member can be personally rewarding and an expression of love and compassion. It can also be physically and emotionally overwhelming. 

The effects of caregiving can impact a person’s health and well-being. According to research by the Family Caregiver Alliance, caregivers report sleep deprivation, poor eating habits, lack of exercise, and failure to attend to their own health issues. The prolonged periods of stress and physical demands of caregiving can also take a toll on a caregiver’s mental health. Studies show that 60% of caregivers are clinically depressed. They are also at risk for alcohol and drug abuse.

Because of the overwhelming stressors involved in caring for a person it is critically important that you practice self-care; that is, attending to your own mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Failure to take care of ourselves can lead to “caregiver burnout’’ and the inability to help another who depends on us. As the adage says, “From an empty cup, we can not pour,” practicing self-care keeps our cup full, so we can effectively manage the daily stressors that are part of caregiving.    

Self-care is participating in activities and practices on a regular basis to reduce stress and enhance our well-being. These activities should be part of our daily routines and not just something we do when we have the time. At the essence of self-care are two aspects: self-awareness and self-compassion. Self-awareness enables us to understand what restores, energizes and enables us to manage stress. These activities are very individualistic and will look different from person to person.  For example, an introvert may cherish time alone to reenergize while an extrovert might be rejuvenated by spending time with others.

How can you begin to identify those activities that rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit?  A good starting place is to create a list of things that bring you enjoyment, relaxation, and energy. These things can be as simple as playing with your pet, listening to music, taking a walk or talking to a friend. There are also many tools on-line to guide you in making your list like “The Self-Care Wheel” by Olga Phoenix.    

Understanding and identifying what energizes you is one component of self-care. The other equally important aspect is self-compassion. Practicing self-compassion means being kind to yourself. It is giving yourself permission to make mistakes. It includes filling your self-talk, your “inner voice” with messages of positivity and possibility. Negative self-talk (“I can’t do this,” “Nothing is going right”, “I keep making stupid mistakes”) can be very draining and destructive.  A good self-talk rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.  The mind is a powerful thing and if we fill it with thoughts of possibility, our focus will shift and we will be open to better options and outcomes for ourselves and the one we support.

 There are many resources available to assist you in caregiving. The Family Caregiver Alliance (www.caregiver.org) is a good website for general information.  Passages in Caregiving by Gail Sheehy contains many practical tools to guide you through the different phases of caregiving with focus on mental, spiritual and physical aspects of providing care.

Caregiving is an act of love and compassion that requires persistence, patience and inner strength. It is serving as the hands of Christ in the world. When providing care for others, take the time to care for yourself. Being your best allows you to give your best to others.

Submitted by: Tracie Glasscock

When you hear the word caregiver, what comes to mind? Parent, nurse, doctor, childcare provider, teacher, psychologist, others? Caregivers are responsible for the physical and emotional care of someone else. Oftentimes, people associate caregiver with parent. While this is not inaccurate, these terms are not exclusive. The term caregiver encompasses a much larger group of people. One might be a caregiver to their small child who is developing and growing. But one might also be a caregiver for their adolescent and adult child who has various developmental, physical, or mental health needs (familial). This might also mean caregiving for someone who is not of any relation (professional).

Many times, these acts are out of love, with the caregiver choosing to care for this person because they care deeply for them. While their intention is good, the act of caregiving is something that requires the caregiver to provide time and energy. How many times have you seen a parent of a young child working through a behavior at a local grocery, or seen a support worker or aid helping an older individual with a physical need that requires assistance? While caregivers often chose to be caregivers to some degree, this at times results in unexpected stress or fatigue on the caregiver. Depending on the type of caregiver you are dictates whether you can “shut it off” at the end of the day. Even those of us who are not parents and who can walk away from work at the end of the day struggle at times with stress and fatigue due to working in high stress environments or with populations who engage in a high rate of aberrant behaviors.

Understanding caregiving from different perspectives (nurses, psychologist and other mental health professionals, parents), hardships caregivers experience (caregiver burnout, empathy fatigue), and ways to take care of your own well-being (self-care as a caregiver) normalizes the experiences we have in caring for others. It also provides to opportunity to empathize more with those around us. It reminds us that we, as humans, need understanding and support from other humans. We as caregivers, are not exempt from experiencing emotions, and still need to feel cared for ourselves.  Over the coming weeks, we will provide a number of articles or short blogs about caregiving from a number of these perspectives. 

Kari A. Wold, MA, LMLP